He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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