Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
