your parents love me but you hate me
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
