I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
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