I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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