Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
