sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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