My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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