i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Pants are for mortals
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