I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
