She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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