If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
