i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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