Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
