I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
