So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Did I show you my penis last night?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Randomize
