if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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