I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Randomize
