Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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