someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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