I faked an abortion last night.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
he was CRYING into my vagina
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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