i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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