life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
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