Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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