Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
God, I missed his penis.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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