I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
