You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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