Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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