I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
