I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
