i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
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