Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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