we're chasing vodka with high fives
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
