halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Randomize
