Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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