my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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