Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
