my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
