Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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