Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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