Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Someone came in the potted fern
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
