every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
