the new term for farting is butt boxing.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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