Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
