dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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