I'm sorry my penis didn't work
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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