You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Semen is not good for contacts.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
