wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
