when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
