Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
