umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
